I'm sitting here listening to Elle Varner.
I'm kind of obsessed with her because her music relates to my circumstances.
Listen to her songs;
and "Not Tonight"
They are my theme songs.
Before I get into that...
I'm kind of upset [but not surprised] that I can't talk to anyone about it because they are all asleep...
It's like the situation happened at a time that isolated me, so I am forced to deal with it by myself.
Anybody that knows what a significant difference that relationship made to me is unavailable for me to bounce my feelings off of.
I've been really lonely lately.
I think I actually conjured him up because I've been asking for someone that can take care of me so I can go to grad school full time.
I would think about him when I had thoughts of someone taking care of me.
Plus, I'm tired of struggling without no support from a significant other...
I mean, my family got my back but they can't keep me warm at night.
And just because I don't write about it don't mean it's any less of an issue for me.
I still feel unwanted, unloved and pessimistic that I'll ever get my fairytale. ...Well my version of one.
The older I get, the more it is a reality that it might be just me for the rest of my life.
I even made the decision that I'm off men. ...At least until I can look in the mirror and like what I see again.
I am desperate for love because I never got it.
I don't even know if it's a possibility for me.
So it makes me a prime target for the wrong men.
I now know that Joe was one of them.
For the longest time I pined away for him because I wanted to believe that he was the only man that really loved me.
And to this day,
The American Dream.
He is from Africa...A country that is not afforded what we take for granted.
I was the gateway for him to get into the land of opportunity.
That is all I was to him and all I am to this day.
On some level, I knew that...
But I thought that he loved me.
Maybe he did...but he loves the American Dream more.
Unfortunate for him, that is not enough for me.
What I want is real love and I now have the wisdom to know when I have found it...
I'm working on having the strength to walk away when I haven't...
To a love-starved individual, every opportunity is an opportunity.
And even the smallest rejection feels catastrophic...
To my readers on blogger.
This is the REAL ME!
The girl you see on the pictures is who I hope to become.
I am her some days.
But some days I am vulnerable.
My life is not as interesting as I try to make it seem...it's a blanket of struggles and routine, peppered with events that may intrigue the masses.
I'm a real person, with REAL struggles...
Love and relationships being the forefront of demons I battle!!!!
BTW, I'm adding "Ghosts" and "Go" to the list of Elle Varner songs...