Friday, October 12, 2012

The Real Me

I'm sitting here listening to Elle Varner.

I'm kind of obsessed with her because her music relates to my circumstances.

Listen to her songs;

"23 Flavors"


and "Not Tonight"

They are my theme songs.

Joe called...

Before I get into that...

I'm kind of upset [but not surprised] that I can't talk to anyone about it because they are all asleep...

It's like the situation happened at a time that isolated me, so I am forced to deal with it by myself.

Anybody that knows what a significant difference that relationship made to me is unavailable for me to bounce my feelings off of.

I've been really lonely lately.

I think I actually conjured him up because I've been asking for someone that can take care of me so I can go to grad school full time.

I would think about him when I had thoughts of someone taking care of me.

Plus, I'm tired of struggling without no support from a significant other...

I mean, my family got my back but they can't keep me warm at night.

And just because I don't write about it don't mean it's any less of an issue for me.

I still feel unwanted, unloved and pessimistic that I'll ever get my fairytale. ...Well my version of one.

The older I get, the more it is a reality that it might be just me for the rest of my life.

I even made the decision that I'm off men. ...At least until I can look in the mirror and like what I see again.

I am desperate for love because I never got it.

I don't even know if it's a possibility for me.

So it makes me a prime target for the wrong men.

I now know that Joe was one of them.

For the longest time I pined away for him because I wanted to believe that he was the only man that really loved me.

He loved,

And to this day,

Still loves,

The American Dream.

He is from Africa...A country that is not afforded what we take for granted.

I was the gateway for him to get into the land of opportunity.

That is all I was to him and all I am to this day.

On some level, I knew that...

But I thought that he loved me.

Maybe he did...but he loves the American Dream more.

Unfortunate for him, that is not enough for me.

What I want is real love and I now have the wisdom to know when I have found it...

I'm working on having the strength to walk away when I haven't...

To a love-starved individual, every opportunity is an opportunity.

And even the smallest rejection feels catastrophic...

To my readers on blogger.

This is the REAL ME!

The girl you see on the pictures is who I hope to become.

I am her some days.

But some days I am vulnerable.

My life is not as interesting as I try to make it's a blanket of struggles and routine, peppered with events that may intrigue the masses.

I'm a real person, with REAL struggles...

Love and relationships being the forefront of demons I battle!!!!

BTW, I'm adding "Ghosts" and "Go" to the list of Elle Varner songs...


  1. I used to be her. I thought I would never take another man seriously...and my version of the fairy tale that I never dreamed of having came true. Men from other countries are just like some of the ones here....they prey on our weaknesses and use them to their advantage. For a long time I was a predator hurting people because I was hurt. It's hard but you can get through say I KNOW what you are going through is an understatement. I almost cried reading this........

    1. Thank you for reading and commenting. I am glad you got your fairy tale.

  2. I feel you so much... My son's father is from Africa, and loved the American dream (which meant money) more than he loved me or our son...So I understand where you are coming from. I feel you on everything you said. It was written almost like poetry. I appreciate you letting your heart out on the page. Like you said you have fath in my recovery...well I have faith in your recovery as well. You will recover from this lonliness and heartbreak and I have faith you will get YOUR American Dream...

    1. Thank you so much! I am recovering and oddly enough, the less time I spend in relationships, the better off I am. I'm learning it really has to be about me right now.

  3. Aww!! I too can relate to you Tammie and how you feel. I still feel and think of the fairy tale life in my head. I also know that one day that GOD will grant me,just as he will you with that special "HELP MATE" I sooo respect your honesty for evening posting this... Thaat was sooo courageous!! I can tell you bc I am going thru hard times and struggles as well( and I have a 12y/o daughter). It gets soooo tough that i wanns give up(but not die) bc it seems that I can never see the light at the end of the tunnel... but I (we) have faith and know that this is just a test to one day tell my testimony... See GOD is getting US ready for that GREAT man(BOAS).. One that he is sending and is specially making just for us. So you keep the faith and hold steadfast... You know the bible speaks that when a man findth a wife he findth a good thing.. I have learned to wait and let GOD do his thing. bc what I was doing was all wrong... So let him find YOU!! UR/OUR BOAS iiiisss coming... :) ~didnt mean to be

  4. You described us all at one point or another in our lives. I smiled as I read your post Tammie because I know that with self expression comes acknowledgement and growth. I see you growing sis, and I know that's not in vein. Continue to work on the you that you want to become, all while accepting who you are. I know that you're not asking for compliments, but I'm going to throw one out there anyways. YOU are are beautiful person in and out. It shows through your writing and pictures with every post. That you so much for sharing this piece of you with us. (((((((((((HUGS))))))))) to you

  5. You are right Ticks...this is a piece of me...thank you for reading and your insight.

    1. I'm sorry Ticka my phone auto-corrected your name...Ugh!