Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Life I Want...

Versus the life I already have.
My friend just had a baby.
The baby was premature and spent some time in the Infant Intensive Care Unit. Now she is doing well.
When I saw the pictures of the baby and her parents all googly-eyed and proud, it was like a slap in the face.
First, I had to get over the shock that my friend even had a baby.
She did have a steady boyfriend in collage, so I knew she eventually wanted to get married.
But she repeated the mantra of not wanting kids, or at least something to that effect.
I just never saw her as a kid person.
A great aunt…yes!
Excellent nurturer to her baby cousins…SURE!
But her being the one toting a diaper bag? Nope.
I know I’m supposed to be satisfied with the life I’ve built for myself.
Even though I feel it was a slow process, I’ve attained so much.
And I find myself reaching for more than that these days.
But I feel more time than not, that something is missing.
…Well, not something, rather, somebody.
I want a husband.
I want to share a mortgage.
And, dare I say it, I want to one day be staring googly-eyed at my own little baby.
My cousin is on baby number two.
I know I’m supposed to be happy for her and her husband.
But I couldn’t hide the bitter-sarcasm in my voice when I replied “Good for them,” to my momma when she told me.
It is a sore spot for me.
Everyday underneath all my accomplishments, I feel that I’m not beautiful.
I feel unloved.
On a basic level, I feel like the women I mentioned above have the life they’ve attained because they’re pretty.
And if I was as pretty as them, I’d be living the “American Dream” too.
When I see the evidence of love now-a-days, a little voice shoots down hopes rising up by repeating the mantra, “that’ll NEVER be you.”
I really wish it was though.
Everybody wants to be loved.
Everybody wants to be validated.
It’s a basic need.
I’ve known since I was old enough to like boys that I wanted to one day have a family of my own.
I’ve held on to some relationships that should have had me running the other way because of that hope.
The few of my relationships that looked promising, ended too abruptly.
I feel more balanced oftentimes when I just stay to myself.
I find myself wondering what I’m doing wrong!
I KNOW I have everything to offer a man.
What is God trying to tell me? Or show me?
So today when I did my Turbo Fire, I thought about my dissatisfaction with some areas of my life.
It made me kick higher and punch harder,
I don’t have a man, a house, or babies.
But at least I have that waiting for me when I get home.
[the end]

I wrote that on September 19, 2011 at 9ish am.
Since then I have:
Taken more self portarits that make me feel beautiful.
Treated myself to MANY guilty indulgences.
Made an 89 on a midterm.
Gained the Respect of a Boss that seemed to think I was a TOTAL SLACKER at first.
Started slowly doing more things out in my city by myself.
Helped someone by just telling them like it is.
Confessed a short-coming.
And that is just scratching the surface.
I still sometimes pull up to my apratment building and stare at it for a while KNOWING no one is there waiting for me inside.
I still get that sinking feeling when all my freinds are not answering their phones ... or I meet a guy that seems "worth it" but we don't exchnage numbers.
Disappointment is a a part of life though. And evetually, I get over it.

1 comment :

  1. WOW I totally understand what you are going through. Even though our stories are different.

    The key words are to "Stay positive and have patience," but in this world and at this time it is hard for me too.

    We will eventually, get over it!